No Longer Newborn

3/30/25

No Longer Newborn

I’m folding up some of your newborn clothing that you no longer need. I’m packing it into a gallon size Ziplock bag, holding back tears. Youre almost 8 weeks old now. You’ve grown. You’ve moved on from your most fragile state. We’ve kept you safe and healthy thus far. You are so gorgeous and loving. I cherish our quiet moments together and can’t imagine it being any other way. I find myself sad…scared that I’ll forget these beautiful moments, scared that you’ll be 15 before I know it. Scared you’ll be 32 and married. Time passes so fast. It’s the only thing we have and can’t get back. I struggle with the idea that I have to go back to work. I want nothing more than to spend all the time I can with you – watching your every milestone, smiling and crying with you. But right now, that doesn't seem to be a financial possibility. I promise that I’ll do everything in my power to make that a reality. To be home with you as much as possible.

Before you were born, I worked a lot. I mean A LOT. I was working 5-6 days a week up until your birth. And my shifts are long, usually 10-14 hours. But you’re more important than the money. As long as we can get by and take a vacation every few years, I’ll be happy. I hope to work from home soon or figure out a plan to make more passive income.

I try to take photos of you daily. I've forgotten a few times already, but I get one or more most days. I want these to remind me of how little you once were - How dependent you are on us, how much you loving being close to me. And I love being close to you. I realized the other day that you've already grown so much when I noticed that your socks are now tight on you. The larger size used to just fall right off, but now they don't.

You've changed me. Everything I've known and valued, doesn't come close to what I feel for you. I would give up almost anything to ensure your safety and happiness. Your dad and grandma think I'm crazy, but that's ok. Homemade non-toxic laundry soap. Pre-washed and organic cotton clothing. Cloth diapers to limit and chemicals that would try to enter your body. Anything for my beautiful baby boy. When you cry, I come running. When you fuss, I wrap you around my body and rock you to sleep. When you sleep, I visit often just to make sure you're still breathing. Anything for you, my love. 

Maybe I'll have you read this when you're older. Maybe not. But for now, know that I love you and always will. I pray for you - that you'll be a strong man in Christ, that you'll know how to be a protector and provider, that you'll learn to love and be loved with grace, and that you'll find the most amazing wife that makes you want to be a parent some day. Cause let me tell you...it's the best!

I Am American...

This is such a loaded statement. It means so much, whether we want it to or not. We have no idea how privileged we are sometimes, yet all we seem to do is complain. Today I found myself being a bit arrogant and nationalistic, although it was done unconsciously. Here's the story...

I had a tutoring session with a 23 year old girl today. She is working on her oral English because she has to take this big test in order to study abroad in Australia. Her English is quite good, and she comprehends most of what I say, but her pronunciation is a little off. Anyway, for these sessions I have to ask her interview type questions, and some of them happen to be quite difficult, quite deep. So...we got on the topic of the "one child policy," which led to multiple discussions about abortion, adoption, Chinese law, and finally morality. I was appalled at some of the things that I heard today, but I desperately tried to conceal my disgust with more questions and comparisons. Now here is where it gets a little tricky. I continued to compare America and China, as if they were equals...but the reality is, they're not. Josephine, the girl I was tutoring, had to remind me of this by saying, "Well, we can’t compare everything to America because China is still a developing country." And that's when it hit me! She's right!

At that moment, when my stomach started to eat my throat, I realized that I, despite my best efforts, was still trying to change China into America. That's the LAST thing I wanted to be doing here. I wanted to comfortably explore and indulge in Chinese culture, not American culture! In fact, I have a HUGE problem with people that try to do just that. Cultures are different for a reason. They are all unique and beautiful, and should stay that way. If all countries were the same, there would be no reason to travel. I discovered that I had bruised my own heart by falling into the same pattern that so many others had before me: pretension.

We, as American, have such high standards, that anything below that line is inexcusable, despicable, and immoral. Whatever adjective you choose to use to describe its iniquity...its still sub par. And in reality, we are arguably the best country in the world. This, in theory, means that all other countries are less privileged than we are. So...what gives me the right, for even one second, to look through my elitist, glossy, green American eyes, and judge the Chinese culture? Now I believe that it's one thing to judge an individual based on poor choices, but to judge an entire nation because their government doesn't agree with me on human rights? That's simply unfair.

I've tried so hard to be a spectator here, but it can get difficult at times. It can be so difficult not to impose your thoughts onto others. I mean, I'm an American! That's what we do! However, that's not what we're called to do. I think that I am lucky enough to be able to appreciate what I have been given. Not by choice, but by birth. I am a white, American girl that gets gawked at and envied everyday that I live in China. I am a white, American girl that has the opportunity to leave the States whenever I please, and go anywhere I please. I am a white, American girl that finds silly things to complain about everyday, even thought it was my choice to move here. I am a white, American, 23 year old girl that has seen half of the world, and still I have no idea how blessed I am to be a white, American girl.

If this is a glimpse...

...Then i am happy. If this is a glimpse of what's to come this year, then i am blessed. If this is a glimpse, then life is good and the tough times are washed away by the continuous joy that pumps through my veins.

This year has been amazing so far...and the few days prior to the New Year. It all began on Tuesday. We had class as usual in the morning, but in the afternoon we were to have our annual New Year's celebratory performances. This consisted of a few students from each class (or most of the classes anyway) performing. Some did dances, some sang, others did skits, while a few even played instruments. All of the students not performing were responsible for bringing their stools outside to the blacktop, where the stage had been put together earlier in the day, and grouping themselves with their other classmates. Apparently i was supposed to judge the performances, but i weaseled my way out by saying that i was going to take pictures instead, and i would be sure to give the woman in charge copies (which i did :).

The performances were great, or at least great in the sense that we didn't have to sit inside dark classrooms for the rest of the afternoon. The actual dances probably could have been better...but then again you know those coordinated Chinese folk! Ha! It was fun though, and i cheered embarrassingly loud when my students performed. They liked it though. So for 3+ hours i froze to death, while taking photos, and laughing hysterically. It was a good day.

The next day, Wednesday, was the "party" day. All of the classes were going to have a party in the morning, and then the teachers were to have their party in the afternoon (so the students only has a half day of class). Now these student parties are quite different than the ones Americans are used to. We are used to having maybe cake and ice cream, or a pot luck even, in a supervised area with a few teachers...haha, not the same here. The students first of all, are forced to come to school to have a party, which is unsupervised, and (seemingly) completely organized by the students. They brought in decorations for the classroom, and food that they would like to have during the day, and rearranged the desks so that there was a "stage" area. Chinese kids love to perform, so many of them had schedules of performers. They love to do KTV, which in English is just karaoke, so just about all of the classes had mics and speakers hooked up, and the lyrics to every song were just a click away. Now i can honestly say i haven't laughed that hard in a while. They were hilarious!! AND almost every class made me perform too. Apparently if you come to a party, you have to take part in the party. As you all know, i have a horrible fear of performing, so it was tough, but i was able mustered the courage to sing a few really dumb songs, simply because they would have a clue what i was singling anyway. And i have to admit, it was fun.

The fist class that i walked into ruptured with cheering. They were so excited that i came into THEIR classroom, and all of them clapped and shouted something to the effect of "Happy New Year!" Of what i could understand anyway. As with most classes, each one has a different personality. Some are very serious, some are quite silly, some are terribly naughty, while others just make me laugh, a lot! So that being said, i tried to make it to all my classes before they were to clean up, but i only made it to 12 of 15, and i obviously spent the most time in my favorite classes. Then the kids quickly disbursed and went home for lunch.

That afternoon, all the teachers met on the blacktop so that we could have our party. This is what we did...we played tug-of-war, volleyball, and track events and we competed between the grades. WHO plays tug-of-war?!! My grade (2) was awful, but you couldn't help but have a good time. After all the fun and games we sat down to a decent dinner at our school's "canteen" and celebrated to New Year. Many of the male teachers got piss drunk, which is always pretty funny, and the rest of us just laughed at them. We were then told that we were going to have a dance party after dinner in the music room, but then only the old people showed up, so we left. Ha!

Alright, so onto today. We were invited to go to a BBQ with a class from grade 3, even though neither of us teach grade 3. Turns out that one of my classes also came, which was a pleasant surprise. We went to this beach, with actual sand, and made about 6 little bonfires. We cooked just about everything that was brought (lotus root, tofu, bananas, oranges, pork, chicken, etc.)had a huge feast on the sand. Everything had been skewered by the time we were finished eating, but that's just the way Chinese people eat anyway. After lunch, then everybody got a little crazy. This particular grade 3 class is know for being pretty rambunctious. Turns out i actually knew a lot of the students because they are the ones that are never in class, so i always see them outside when they should be elsewhere. None of them know any English, so its a constant battle to communicate with them, but i always attempt. They all know me as well. Today was fun because despite the lack of verbal communication, there were plenty of things said. At one point, about 6 boys tackled me and tried to carry me over to a pit they had dug. They didn't get very far because i tickled one almost to tears, and wiggled my way out of the grasps of the others. All the while cracking up.

Like i said, life can be hard and difficult some days, but times like these make up for all of that. I'm actually making a (hopefully lasting) impression on these kids, and giving them a taste of something new. An insight, or an experience that they wouldn't have had otherwise. A new perspective from which to look. I always hope that me being here is worth something, and on days like this i feel like it is.

Blerg!!

Alright, back to blogging. Which i really hate doing, but i guess it's kinda important and i know that i will regret it if i dont do it...so thank you Beth, for so gently encouraging me to keep it up.

As far as the last month goes...i have been INSANELY busy! I am juggling 5 jobs, yes 5! But i do enjoy them. But some more than others :) AND i have been sick for the past 3 1/2 weeks. Now that sucks! It started off with a soar throat, pretty bad though, and i pretty much lost my voice for the week. But i havent miss a class yet due to illness. The next week, the soar throat had pretty much subsided, but the cough got much worse. Not that you want to hear this, but one night i even coughed up a little blood...eeeeww! Third week, still a cough, but not quite as bad...i actually thought i was getting better. And this week. I spent the last 2 days sleeping every free chance i had because my body ached so badly....but that's not much time when you teach up to 6 classes a day and dont get home until around 8:30 pm. So to say the least, i have been pretty sick, and really busy. Im sure that part of the reason i am still sick is because i never just calm down and rest. Im always "go, go, go!" Which apparently can be detrimental to your health. Well, with that aside, i have been in pretty good spirits except for the past 2 days. But today is much better and there are minimal body aches. I no longer hurt when i leave my bedroom that has been kept at close to 90 degrees to keep me from the chills. So...i guess today is good. Tomorrow may differ, but that's a problem i wont worry about until it arises.

As far as work, i just started tutoring two 17 year old girls, and i absolutely love them. One of them, Betty, is the older sister of one of my favorite students, so that's how we got into contact. She is a twin, but i have yet to meet her sister. The other girl's English name is Rebecca, which is uncommon in the first place, but the weird thing is that her Chinese name is the same as mine too. Bebe (sounds like Bay-Bay). So Betty's parents are really strict with her and wont let her out of the house on the weekends because they think she needs to study more so that she can get into a good college. (I say strict, but i think that parenting style is much more common than you would think). So, knowing this information, i devised a plan....haha, so typical of me. Always bending the rules, but rarely breaking them. I told her that we would have "English lessons" on Saturday afternoons, as well as during the week. Our lessons vary quite a bit, but you must know that they just want to practice thier oral english, not written. So, we have practiced some interview questions for their college interview, and other stuff like that, AND we have also done a bit of shopping. That's what Saturdays are for. A girl's gotta know how to buy stuff in English too! Right!? Strategically and simultaneously, we learn English and Betty gets to leave her house on the weekends. I think they like me, haha.

Ok, that's all for now, but ill try to keep all of you updated more often. Bye!

If they don't shut up I think i'll kick the tar outta them!

*Sigh!!* Wow...this has been quite the day. My students were so bad today! I had 3 classes, and two of them were terrible. They think that because they cant understand me they can be lazy and ignore everything i tell them, even when they do understand. I tried to make this week easy, because last week was a bust, but they are so uninspired. I even tried candy this time, and still nothing. All i asked of them was to make a simple game board for Bingo, and they refused to participate. I don't even give them work! I try to engage them by playing games and getting them involved, but they would rather me talk at them for 40 minutes then take advantage of the creative outlets i am willing to give them. sometimes i believe they really are robots...except that they all talk of their own free will, and boy can they talk. Ha! And you thought i talked a lot! You really have no idea.

Its quite a paradox...i present to them an idea (or work), but the bad students are talking so loud that the good students cant hear. I have to give the kids that don't understand (generally the bad students) special attention so that they can attempt to learn and catch up, which means that i don't have enough time for those that want to learn. I would much prefer spending more time on the students that want to learn, but when the bad students wont shut up, there is no point in speaking anyway! The only way to get them to settle down is to hover over their desk while giving my lesson at the same time...and with 72 kids in a class, it can be difficult making the rounds.



With any luck, my creativity will win this draining battle, but some days its hard to tell. If anyone has any brilliant ideas on how to manage 72 junior high students at once, by yourself, it would be shameful for you not to share your secrets.

In Riotous Profusion Commerce...

Yes, that's exactly it! Riotous profusion commerce! Well, at least that what the sign on the way to the University said...i dont make this stuff up. Oh, and for those of you that dont know, i plan to capture silly Engrish quotes from China, and display them to the world...so i guess this is my first. other than that, i have been pretty busy i guess. I mean, it has been over a month since i have written anything. So Amanda, this one is for you!

there are however, some things we need to discuss. First, i am still thrown off by the way Chinese people sit. they squat. with their knees clamped together so that their eyes are barely visible, peeping out above the knees, and their butts balancing just above the ground. this is how they sit, unless there are chairs available. i guess it's their version of sitting indian-style. they sit like this, they poop like this, and who knows what else. (They have squatty toilets here, so they're basically just porcelain holes in the ground.)

as for other news, the weather is getting much colder. today was 13 degrees Celsius, which is about 56 Fahrenheit (I'm good at math...dont forget that :) i think ill have to buy some warm, fur lined boots in the near future, and a few new scarves. they're quite popular here, the scarves i mean...but not the long ones you wrap around 7 times...the ones that are really wide and resemble an over sized ghetto bandanna. yeah, those are the kind. they are pretty though, but I'm afraid that if i wear one ill slightly resemble a hipster. Hmmm...just what i want to be. and unfortunately i think the colder that it gets, the more insane the kids become...for many reasons. First, its cold outside so you think they would close the doors and windows to the classrooms, but NO, they leave them open so that they can be "healthy." They have a very strange concept of health here. Secondly, they bring jars of hot water to class...but not to drink. Imagine 70 kids in one class, all holding old jam jars full of scalding water, so that they can keep their hands warm, which they have to do because they're retarded and keep the windows open. Subconsciously they realize that they are cold, but instead of using common sense, they prefer to use jam jars.

On a great note however, we went to Wuhan this weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving with a ton of other foreigners. Foreigners is the name we give (or were given) to those that aren't Chinese...and speak English. Foreigners that dont speak English however, are just called Chinese. We lump them all into the category of people we cant understand. Well, that's not actually true, but it should be. Back to Thanksgiving. it was great because we got to spend time with friends that we dont get to see very often, and got to make new acquaintances. we have seen/met most of them before, but this the first time we have actually spent a decent amount of time with them. it was so wonderful just to spend time with people that you can actually relate to. Not saying that relating to Chinese people is impossible, because i know from experience that that isn't true, but its so inexplicably wonderful to share culture with someone. its something that cant be experienced unless you have been fully submerged into another culture, not your own. i have been so blessed to see people come together and make memories, despite the fact that they are in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people, just because they share a common culture, and a common love for people. (Hmmm, in another blog ill have to try to explain the Chinese perception of love. it might give you a little more clarity as to why this experience was so cool.)

ok, so i guess the last thing on my list to tell you is that i dyed my hair, again. But, it has been over 3 months, so i think i deserve some type of reward or something. i got blond (well, they have a minor hint of orange, but not bad considering Chinese think that blond hair should be pumpkin colored) and red highlights, and i like them. but I'm pretty content with any color, as long as its different than it used to look. so i promise to put up some pics of the new hair when i have time. ok, well this is a long one, and I'm done writing, so adieu until next time.

Shanghai Knights

Well i haven't written in a while because i was on vacation. Yes, i have been here for less than 2 months and i have already gotten about 10 days of vacation. its pretty nice. So for vacation i went to Hangzhou (pronounced Hong-joe) and Shanghai. To describe it mildly, it was less than a vacation, and more intense than my normal work week. we had the most horrific traveling, train, bus, and getting lost issues. At one point, the night before we were to return home, we realized that the bus tickets me got were to Huangshan, instead oh Huangshi. HUGE difference, and because we're pretty much illiterate here, we almost didn't catch it! We got the right tickets that night, but it took us 4 hours to do it...and with almost a billion people traveling on a national holiday, all i could do was thank God that we were actually able to get tickets.

Abby got really sick the second day we were there, and didn't really feel better until we returned. Apparently Hangzhou is the most touristy place in China, and Shanghai is the largest city in China...so you can only imagine how many people we ran into, literally. When we were at the Bund in Shanghai (the bridge that overlooks the Huangpu River), i felt like i was at a concert. There were so many people on the bridge itself that not even a sardine can could have been so tightly packed. It sounds crazy, and it was, but we also had some fun, and ate some great food. Shanghai was great because we were actually exposed to American/Western style food. Which is practically a delicacy here. I got to eat Mexican food, which was incredible, and plain cheesecake. Two of my favorite things! I shopped quite a bit at the local markets, and made some fun purchases. And at last we made it home safely after a 15 hour bus ride back. Our trip totalled 7 days, and it was long, but it was time off, so i cant complain.

Oh! And i have my first volleyball game today...so if i'm not too embarrassed by the score i will post the results. Wish me luck!